How to Piss Off Your Server 101

After a night of TERRIBLE customers at Swiss I decided to inform those who are sadly misinformed. Read and LEARN and enjoy better service at your respective favorite restaurants! These things tick us off the most: pay close attention…

(Fellow servers, please feel free to add whatever may make you want to serve “sneezers”…)

1) Ask for something and when your server runs to get it, think about something else he/she can get. While they go to retrieve that, think of something else they could get for you. While they are getting that, think of something else he/she could get for you….

2) Leave a fifty cent tip on your debit purchase. AWESOME. Clearly you need it more than I do. Keep the change and slap us next time instead. That makes more sense.

3) Leave no tip. We make minimum wage. The tip is not “extra” it’s how we make a living.

4) I may be a server, but someday I will be better educated than you. Do not treat me like I know nothing. Believe it or not, I CAN print off a cheque and bring dessert at the same time. Who woulda thunk?!?

5) When I come to the table and greet you cheerfully, at least look up and acknowledge me. Most of the time my cheerfulness is an act, so if I can do it, so can you.

6) Do not, no matter what the circumstance, SNAP YOUR FINGERS AT ME AND YELL “YO SERVER, THE FOOD IS WRONG”. I will ignore you. At this point I will not care if you do not tip me. My goal is to now get you out of the restaurant.

7) When standing at your table with four steaming hot plates of food which are burning my forearm, try to pull it together and remember who had what. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not a mindreader.

8) Eat your food and after you have cleaned every last speck of food off of it, complain that it was cold/gross/bad/inadequate and demand a discount.

9) I love babies, but I do not love it when they try to pull drinks off my tray. Please pay attention. Doubly so for babies that are screaming. When I can’t hear what you are trying to order, something isn’t right.

10) Demand attention when we are clearly busy with another table. Most of us have a routine and will get to you ASAP. In case you missed the first few years of your life, interrupting is very rude.

11) Come in five minutes before close, ring up the bill, perform the ten already stated faux pas, and walk out without paying the bill. I have to pay for that out of my own pocket, you know. It’s also a criminal offense. Just don’t do it. Makes sense, right? You’d think so.

12) When I am listing off the bizillion side dishes available to you, PAY ATTENTION. It ticks us off when we have to do that two, three, four times per table. And guess what? It’s in your menu!!

Basically, I am there to provide a service, but I am not a servant. It’s my job. So respect my workspace, respect my work, and I will give you the best service you’ve ever had at a restaurant. I’ll even crack a joke or two and bring extra chocolate for your table (candy for your babies, etc). And tip accordingly. My rule of thumb: tip two dollars more than you think you should.

End of Rant.